Bloggin' Back In

Been a minute since I actually sat down with some thoughts and am on rolllllllllls. I, over the last 5 months and more, have come to a weird but sad revelation. I try never to put people in pedestals no matter the relation to me, their income, their title but I had hoped to hold on to some sort of me-ness in one such person. Being an adopted child very early in life, I think you loose your sense of who you are if the process is not handled properly. By that I mean, STRONG nurturing to bring you up in a world like the 60's was and still hold on the parent/person in you. As I watch many parents (family, friends, people I don't know) struggle with their own me-ness while taking care of one or more children (even adult children), I often wonder what life was like for the people who raised me in the situation they were given. One day, they have no children (and apparently he wanted some, she didn't) to care for and the next a 9 month old is now in their lives. What was that like to see this child who could not be cared for by her parents like? I know she was cute (I'm still cute - laughs) but did they wonder if she'd be President of anything or a bum on the street? Did they discuss the necessary things like school attendance, activities, foods, etc.? How did the twin German Shepard's come to this lil girl? How did the babysitter get selected or was it that she was just across the alley and therefore convenient? When said babysitter took her and installed the lil girl in Eastern Star as Chaplain, how was that received? When the little girl was baptised by Rev. Harold Carter Sr. and friends with his son and daughter who are now ministers in their own church and these "adopted parents" did not attend church, (at least she didn't}, how was that going against their beliefs??

So many more questions exist as I struggle, yes it is a struggle, to want my own childhood experiences in photo or even in a remembering voice other than the pitiful eyes my family seems to have for me. The "oh she's been thru so much" look is sickening from those who know the stories and don't want to tell me or won't tell me, is more sickening in itself. I tried very hard to cut my ties to those looks by leaving home very early when enough was enough. I had been disrespected in every manner possible by blood relatives and others "in the know". Yes, along with the pity party with sympathy song looks was a lot of unwanted disrespect from people who had no idea what really went on during the 9 month to 15 year age gap they missed. People oddly enough do not know how to deal with that but can fix their mouths to say "you going be stupid all your life" when trying to figure out life itself having been thru all I had. WOW, this is from YOU, a blood relative. Did I try to reach out and let anyone know what I went thru? I can't recall because the anger inside was much more than anyone could comprehend. I do know my best way to deal with it was to, again, "run away". Here is is many, many years later and talks are being had and it just does not seem to have any effect. People are set in their ways and I can only feel good that my side of this wonderful life GOD gave me with all it's ups and downs has been put in the wind.

I have a new awakening on how sad people are in their lives that they can't or won't come to grips with it. They pass it on over to "I never had any role models in my life..." or "that's just how s/he is". WHATEVER... and that's why generations are so muffed up now because of people who can accept a high paying way out of reach to them but when high paying was barely heard of, yet can't/won't accept challenge right in front of their faces everyday. I had a all new view of how perceptions didn't meet the expected expectations from "their" long time view. In other words, a lot of pots calling the kettle black when said pot was blacker. Hmmmppph... I am so glad GOD gave me this to my face full force and now my perceptions of life and the things I've gone thru to live it have forever been changed. I know longer look at the adoption the way "I thought it was because that's what I was told". I can now accept but never appreciate it the way I used to. I realized that people will liiiiiiiie to put themselves off from any wrong doings and/or your possibly future feelings about them. And whenever I find out you lie to me, you can never, ever lie and me not know it again. Trust is and has been broken for life. I may forgive because I'm well in my spirituality like that, but forgetting is a whole 'nother story. I know they should both be put in the box when given UP to GOD. Yes, I do know and I'm still working on that like all things surrounding on my life.


Forever changed, forever grateful for change way prior to Obama.