Mom, birth mother, would have been s... *feels smack from heaven*, uhmmmmmmmm a year wiser had she been alive today March 2. Each year I get older, I think... "this is gonna get easier". Each year, it gets harder and harder as I become more aware of that which I never knew about her and her life. Some of the info is coming from just being a good listener and some is coming from visually watching actions of those who might have affected who she was (or wasn't). My brothers are still torn up about our loss, probably more than me. I do know what my brain has had to deal with in knowing who she when I was a child whom was adopted away from her and then a child who came back to her, sorta. Long story that would require some kinds of alcoholic beverage before reading.
So as I sit here a very grown woman who's had a great job, a couple living quarters and more than a few vehicles... I am still not happy about how she lived and far less happy about her death and the relationship we should have had but didn't. All because of my anger about being adopted away from her, my misunderstanding of her life as a mother, woman, homemaker and much much more, time was wasted... regretfully. Since I do not allow regrets to overcome my life, I look to the heavens and ask for forgiveness every chance I get. I was too young, too torn, too into my own feelings and yet... so unknowledged to that which I have since found out. It's never too late to learn they say and to some degree I agree. It doesn't ease my mind to hang onto bitterness, hate and/or even anger. Let go and let GOD.
Thank you GAW for the life and times we had together. I hope you found some ounce(s) of happiness having me back in your life. Actually I was never gone because I was told you knew exactly where I was the entire time I was not with you physically. You never let go and I shall never let go of you & the thoughts of you either.
MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM!! Wish you were here for your day of birth... physically.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I Miss My Mom, Yes I Do!
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22 December, the mother's day in my country
ReplyDeleteDAYUM!! This sounds like a helluva story, albeit one that may be extremely painful to tell.
ReplyDeleteIf you write it I'll be your first reader.
My own mother is pretty special to me. She is a Weeble Wooble -- she won't fall down, no matter how hard life pushes her.
Reading these glimpses into your life made me realize that as much as I cherish the time I spend with my mother, or talking to her on the phone, that I probably won't truly understand what I have in her until she is no longer here.
I can't fathom where you are right now, and yet, one day I know I will.
Tomorrow, have your own private Mother's Day, Lady Di. Just you and her.
I have, throughout this Blog, Brown Man posted several more glimpses into who I am. I think my family would be amazed at how much pain I've carried yet survived it all to the degree that I have. 2 days later, my sister who is no longer here as well would have been a year older. So this week is always so rough, not only on the above but the first time I saw my sister ever... was in her casket. I was 11. And the tragic story behind that is one for reads as well.
ReplyDeleteWhen I created this Blog, I had not a clue what to write about. And then, off I went. I'm not good but when I finish a Blog, I am better... mentally. Expression is the greatest art form there is to me, even if some can't handle it. At least you're getting it out I always say.
I'm linking some that will provoke you even more as to who lies behind this purple and black Blog:
http://4ladydi.blogspot.com/2008/12/so-much-to-say-not-sure-how-to-say-it.html
http://4ladydi.blogspot.com/2009/03/heavenly-birthday-wishes.html
Bring the Kleenex. Thank you for stopping by Brown Man. I really appreciate it and sorry so long to thank you.
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